And Then
by LeanaVine
Summary: AU. In which Cas owns a coffee shop, goes to a support group every Saturday - which doesn't help - and falls in love with the EMT that helps save his life using just his belt. (Warning of self-harm and possible sex. Includes Man/Man. Human!Cas, Human!Gabriel, Human!Lucifer. Destiel, Dean/Castiel. Possible Sabriel, Sam/Gabriel.)


**A/N: **Yet another new Supernatural story. I hope it doesn't offend anyone that I made Castiel an ex-cutter in this story.

As always, I do not share any views expressed by any characters in this story. And I own nothing in this story.

Please read, review and enjoy.

* * *

Behind the counter of a lonely little coffee shop stood Castiel Novak, a man that was too good looking to be as depressed as he was. He had no hopes of getting customers, and so he just read his book, grateful for the silence. The book he was reading was _Fifty Shades of Grey_, a book so vile and embarrassing he could only read it when no one was around. It had been a gag gift from his older brother Gabriel, but curiosity had lead Castiel to open it one day. And now, Castiel hated himself and his dedication to finish every book he ever started, just wishing that Ana and Christian would break up already so the book could be over.

He glared down at the pages, shaking his head slightly. "Look at yourself, Ana," he mumbled. "You should be ashamed of yourself. That's not you inner goddess giving you the thumbs up, it's Satan."

The sudden _ding _of the bell at the door had Castiel shoving the book under the counter, almost falling off his stool. His brother Gabriel, not even noticing Castiel's nervousness, came in, smiling and holding out his arms dramatically as he sang, _"You're beautiful, you're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true. I saw your face in a not-so crowded place," _Castiel scowled at that part, _"and I don't know what to do. 'Cause I'll never be with you."_

Castiel sighed. "No you won't, Gabriel, because that would be incest." He grabbed a rag from a shelf under the counter, pretending to wipe down the counter as if it were a bar.

Gabriel sighed as he strode up, sitting on one of the stools, resting an elbow on the counter. "You're so uptight, Cassie." He laid his head down, exhausted. "Espresso macchiato, please." His voice was muffled against the counter.

With a groan, Castiel turned around, turning on the coffee machine. "It's going to take a while. I didn't even have the machines on." He looked back over his shoulder. "And how many times do I have to say it? Stop calling me Cassie." The nickname he'd procured years ago still hung around, no matter how many times Castiel demanded that he stop being called the name.

Gabriel grumbled, turning on his side, almost enough to fall off his stool. "But _Cassie_," he whined, totally ignoring his brother's request for about the thousandth time, "how do you expect to have customers if you don't even have your coffee machines turned on?"

Castiel sighed, leaning back against the counter as he waited for everything to start up, rubbing his eyes and forehead. "That's just it – I don't expect to have customers. No one comes here."

With a quick stretch, Gabriel sat up, looking at his little brother with a tired expression. "Well, if it's going so bad, then why don't you just give up on the place? How long has it been since you had a customer other than me?"

It took a minute to remember, but then Castiel shook his head. "Too long. And besides, I can't close the shop down, Gabe. I've sunk way too much money into this place." It made his eyes hurt, just thinking about all of the hard work he'd put into making his little coffee shop.

Gabriel shrugged, swiveling on his stool to look around. "Then maybe you should advertise. I mean, if people knew about this place, they'd flock here. Who doesn't want to come somewhere that sells coffee _and_ scented candles. Plus you've got your little library over there." He pointed to the few shelves of books in the back corner. "This is like an oasis for hipsters."

Castiel laughed a little. "Thanks, Gabe." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Maybe you're right. I should advertise. Anything is better than doing what you do." His smile faded, looking at his brother, slumped over and drained.

Gabe almost looked like he had difficulty lifting his head to smile at Castiel. "Yeah, don't go down my road, Cassie. Being a night nurse more than sucks." He yawned, and that was when Castiel noticed Gabriel was still wearing his blue scrubs.

Castiel cocked an eyebrow. "Gabe, if you're done for the night, then why are you still wearing your scrubs? And why are you getting coffee? Aren't you going to bed?" It wasn't like Gabriel to stay up after a long night of work. He usually went straight home and collapsed on his futon.

The older man shook his head, half smiling. "I'm working a double shift today. No, I'll get off work tonight."

As he made Gabriel's coffee, Castiel voiced his concern. "That's crazy of them to do that to you, Gabe. I'm so sorry." He hated that the machine was so loud, because Gabriel tended to stop talking while it was on because he was too tired to strain his voice.

Gabriel laughed a little, raising his voice over the machine. "Nah, you don't get it little brother. I asked for the extra time." When Castiel looked back at him in question, Gabriel nodded. "I've got a little something that I'm saving up for, so I need the extra money."

Castiel's concern left his face as he continued to construct Gabriel's espresso. "Okay, well, just take it easy, Gabe. I wouldn't want you to overwork yourself." He turned, placing the little glass of coffee on the counter.

Gabriel smiled at it like it was a baby kitten, then he took it all down in one swig. "Don't you worry about me, little brother. I'll be just fine now." He jumped up from his chair, grabbing his bag off the floor to pull out a ten dollar bill out of a side pocket and laid it on the counter. "Consider it an investment towards advertising." And with that, Gabe hurried out, just as quick to leave as he was to arrive.

With a small frown, Castiel picked up the money. "The most advertising I could afford with this would be a sandwich board." He sighed, putting the money in the register. Castiel glanced out the big front windows, and when he saw that no one else was about to come in, he retrieved his book from under the counter, picking up where he left off.

"Christian Grey, you are such a despicable human being…"

* * *

That night, as he lay sprawled out on the couch, the news on the TV just for background noise, Castiel finished _50 Shades_, groaning in happiness as he tossed it to the floor. "Thank God, that's over." He slumped down into the couch, turning to look at the TV screen. Castiel wasn't interested in the news, so he switched it over to his favorite show: _Hawaii Five-0_.

He smiled, mumbling along with the opening theme song, thrusting his fists like he was playing an imaginary drum set. Castiel had such a strong love/hate relationship with this show. He loved it because Kalakaua was so powerful, and McGarrett and Williams were completely dreamy. He hated the show because McGarrett and Williams reminded him just how gay he really was.

About two years prior, Castiel had come out of the closet to his older brothers Gabriel and Lucifer, his only remaining family. Gabe wasn't surprised at all, saying he'd figured that all along, jokingly banning Castiel from all of his Super Bowl parties, then proceeding to grind his knuckles into Castiel's head in a noogie. Lucifer was less than enthused, but didn't turn Castiel away like he had once feared. Lucifer just made his opinion clear that he would continue to love Castiel no matter what he did with his life, but that he didn't necessarily like that Castiel was gay. That would have to be good enough, Castiel decided. It was a lot better than what he had been expecting.

Sometime after admitting his sexuality to his brothers, Castiel started a relationship with a man named Jack. Gabriel didn't mind having Jack around, and they even bonded with time. Lucifer didn't really want to be involved with Jack, because he still wasn't very comfortable knowing that Castiel was gay. That worried Castiel at first, but Jack reassured him, saying that everything was probably moving too fast for Lucifer, and that with time, things would get better and he'd come around.

Castiel still regretted letting go of Jack. He wasn't sure what happened between them, but everything just started to sour. Most of it was due to Castiel's hesitancy to further their relationship because he was scared of how Lucifer was going to feel about everything. Jack took this as Castiel being ashamed of him, and from there everything slowly fell apart. There were arguments almost every night, and finally it was just time to say goodbye.

Once he lost Jack, Castiel's life took a sharp turn downward as he fell deep into depression, and he accidentally became anorexic. He just had no desire for food anymore. All he wanted was to sit around in his room, or in the coffee shop, staring out the window and thinking about what a screw up he was. On top of that, Castiel started cutting, but to him it wasn't bad because his cuts weren't too deep and they were on his thighs instead of his wrists. Gabriel and Lucifer were just as pissed when they found out as they would've been if Castiel had been cutting his wrists.

For a while, Castiel denied that he needed help, and he just when further and further into his abyss. Lucifer got so angry with Castiel, and they started fighting every other night just like Castiel had with Jack just a few months before. Gabriel hated the fighting, and he tried to tell Lucifer that it wasn't going to help Castiel get better, but Lucifer just couldn't believe how foolish his youngest brother was being.

And so, they all started counseling, because they were being forced to by Gabriel. At first, it didn't do any good. Castiel and Lucifer still fought, because Castiel wanted to do what he wanted with his life, and Lucifer wasn't about to sit around and do nothing while Castiel cut himself. All in all, Lucifer was just looking out for Castiel, and his way of showing love was being incredibly angry at Castiel for making stupid decisions. During one session, Castiel had said something to the effect of, "You can't control me; you're not my father! And I will never listen to you!" That hurt Lucifer so bad that afterwards, everyone just tried to pretend like he'd never said it.

Their therapist helped them to dig deeper into the roots of their anger. It turned out that Lucifer was just angry and upset, because he didn't want to lose Castiel like he'd lost Michael, the eldest sibling. Neither Gabriel nor Castiel knew that Lucifer had been blaming himself all those years for Michael's death, mostly because it had nothing to do with him. Michael had died when he fell through the ice at the lake, as they all remembered. Castiel had just been a baby at the time.

And then, Lucifer told them all the truth. Everyone in their family knew that Michael loved the cold, almost more than Lucifer loved heat. Michael had confided in Lucifer one day, telling him he wanted to be a "polar bear." They were these people that would swim in freezing cold weather, and apparently they got a huge rush from it. Lucifer tagged along with Michael as he went swimming in the icy cold water a few times during December, when the lake wasn't cold enough to completely freeze over. Lucifer thought Michael was crazy for it, but his older brother seemed to really enjoy himself when he was swimming in water that was about 20 degrees Fahrenheit.

Winter dragged on into January, and it only got colder outside. One day, Michael and Lucifer went out to the lake to find it frozen over with ice about an inch thick. At first, Michael was discouraged, then he hunted up a rock, smashing through the ice around the edge of the lake. Lucifer tried to stop Michael from swimming, but of course, Michael didn't listen. He was the strong, older brother, and he never wanted to listen to Lucifer.

Michael died that day, and Lucifer always blamed himself for standing by and letting it happen. He said he didn't want to do the same with Castiel, that Castiel could hate him, but Lucifer wasn't going to be quiet and let his youngest brother slowly murder himself.

They made a lot of progress that day, and Gabriel was happy to see that it ended with Castiel giving Lucifer a hug, and Lucifer actually hugged him back.

Their therapist suggested that Castiel start going to a support group for people who were cutting or used to cut, because she thought that it would help him. Of course, after his hug with Lucifer, he'd promised that he wasn't going to cut again, but the temptation was still knocking in the back of his head almost every day.

So, it because routine that every Saturday Castiel would go to Luci's house – the leader of the group – and they would all meet down in her basement to sit in a circle of metal, folding chairs and talk about their addictions to cutting. Castiel never really got why they had to meet in her basement, and why they couldn't all sit in her very nice-looking living room. At least Luci was nice. She shared her story about cutting at every meeting, and all the regulars would just have to sit through it, thinking about anything other than cutting. One girl would tell about how she used to cut her thighs, but that didn't really do it for her, so she switched to her wrists. She described as such: "It's like going from smoking cigarettes to smoking pot. N-not that I've ever smoked pot…"

After two months of dragging himself to the meetings, he asked permission from his therapist to stop attending, saying he'd made real progress. He hadn't cut, and he lied, saying that he hadn't even thought about it. Before the middle-aged woman even had time to consider Castiel's request, Lucifer turned him down completely, saying there was no way he was getting out of those meetings. Castiel hated it, but he knew that this was just Lucifer's way of showing love, so he reluctantly agreed to keep meeting with the ex-cutters on Saturdays in Luci's dark basement.

* * *

Castiel called it a night at 9:35, dragging himself off to bed. Upon entering his room, he shelved _50 Shades_, having decided to keep the book instead of throwing it away. Maybe he could give it to Luci at Christmas, just to see how she'd react if he told her "this book was so amazing – it really changed my life and how I look at things."

Yeah, it made him want to cut again to think that people actually practiced BDSM.

Castiel didn't even bother with pajamas; he just discarded his pants and plopped down on his bed, the springs screeching. With a tired groan, he wrapped the blankets around himself in a cocoon, and he closed his eyes. Before, Castiel usually spent the time trying to fall asleep thinking about everything that he'd ever done wrong, but his newest sleeping medication helped to make that time shorter, so his negative thoughts tended to be held at bay. His eyes stung with the need for slumber, and Castiel hoped that tomorrow would be better than today, as usual.


End file.
